Exclusive: Building A Cockroach Army

The American cockroach (Periplaneta americana), also known as the Waterbug and Palmetto Bug. This pest is the largest species of common cockroach and considered one of the fastest running insects. At an experiment at the University of Berkley in 1991, a specimen registered a top speed of 3.4 miles per hour. This is the equivalent of about 50 body lengths per second. To acomplish the same feat, we humans would need to run just over 200 miles per hour. Cockroaches are also very great survivors as you might already know. The have omnivorous diets and can also resort to eating toothpaste, glue and even each other if times are tough. Now that’s what I call a cheap date! American cockroaches are perhaps the most bothersome and frightening to humans because of their size, agility and invasive nature. They make women scream with fear and turn 200-pound grown men into quivering babies. I know because I’m one of those dudes. Whenever I’ve been face to face with one that wanted to shack up in my house, it’s been like a showdown at the OK corral. Make no mistake, we are gunslingers.

A Typical Scenario:

I walk into my bedroom on a hot summer eveningand turn the light on. I immediately spot a large American cockroach on the wall to my right, about 4 feet away. I would not have noticed it except for its long, slowly waving antennae. The roach sees me too, thanks to its large compound eyes, but it stands perfectly still. Whatever reconnaissance mission it was on is now on pause. It stops chewing on the cookie crumb I left on my nightstand the night before. Its senses are heightened, and its survival instinct in DEFCON 1 mode. My initial reaction is one of shock and disgust. I’m almost paralyzed by its ungodly presence, but I too know that the stand off has begun. This will be my only chance to kill or capture it. If it gets away and hides behind a piece of furniture, I risk not sleeping that night. At least not in my bedroom. The hair on my neck stands up and I feel a chill travel quickly up my back. At this point I have two options based on the severity of the situation:

Alternate Scenario A:

The cockroach is very close to a potential exit. A mere 8 inches from a drawer chest. If I lose sight of it, it could disappear forever. I look for the closest disposable object within arm’s length. It could be a newspaper or magazine, but I’ve even used something as obscure as bubble wrap. I slowly grasp the murder weapon and calmly approach the roach, so as not to frighten it. This step is critical. Like many insects, cockroaches are outfitted with thousands of little hairs on their bodies that relay important information to them. One such ability is the sensing of minute changes in air pressure. This is why their reflexes are so quick. The microsecond my hand starts moving, the roach senses the air pressure changes before it even sees anything. The reaction sends it racing to the nearest crack or hole. It is my job to get within a confident striking distance without triggering this reaction from the roach. I move in slowly and center my chi. I hold my breath like a sniper and steady my balance. Then, with superhuman speed, I deliver the death blow. WHAP! (splat) The cockroach’s strong exoskeleton crunches like a small cannoli, squirting out a blast of greenish-white fluid and guts. I breath a sigh of relief as I scrape any remaining appendages from the wall. I then place the roach in the trash and promptly take the trash out, even if its not full. I can’t bear to think of the roach regenerating itself in the middle of the night and coming back for revenge.

Alternate Scenario B:

The roach is in a fairly wide open area with little to no props for use as escape vehicles. This allows me to more adequately prepare for combat. I slowly back away from the roach and head for the kitchen. I grab the Windex and about half a roll’s worth of paper towel. I return to the roach and begin to drench it with the Windex. The liquid stuns the bug, and retards its movement, but more importantly, it washes away sins before its trip to the pearly gates. The rest of the slaying plays out much like Scenario A, except the kill is performed at a more leisurely pace because of the Windex treatment. With this method, the roach may also be caught in the paper towels and crushed in the hand for maximum efficiency and very easy cleanup. After I put my revolver back in its holster, I thoroughly wash my hands twice and ask baby Jesus’ forgiveness for taking one of his precious creatures away.

Now that we’ve discussed how cunning and resilient the American cockroach can be, we can begin to systematically use it to our advantage. Several years ago, I began talks with a certain pharmaceutical company and a bio-robotics company. Both wish to remain nameless. The subject of our discussions was genetic modification to the American cockroach specifically for uses in espionage and domestic warfare. After extensive research and development, countless failed cross breeding attempts and billions of dollars, we’re now harvesting the fruits of our labor. The first two engineered American cockroaches (EACs) were born last Thursday.

These young EACs are being dubbed Tango and Cash, after characters played by Sylvester Stalone and Kurt Russel in the 1989 motion picture by the same name. In the film, the two protagonists engaged in repeated firefights with armies of men wielding hundreds of automatic weapons, but they emerged completely unscathed. The same God-like powers have been demonstrated by the newborn EACs in countless grueling tests this week including the “Foot”, acid baths and large caliber bullets.

Tango and Cash have a newly developed exoskeleton which fuses adamantium with its current nitrogen proteins. The resulting durability far exceeds the pound for pound strengths of any known substance man-made or artificial in the universe. They are literally indestructible. Also, while normal cockroaches thrive only in warmer temperatures, these two have been bred to withstand a bone-chilling -1478 degrees Kelvin. But the spec sheet doesn’t stop there. Add infrared vision, a heads-up display, micro Core-i7 chipset, HDMI-out and rear defrosters. These babies were bred to be unstoppable machines. Their organics are sustained by absorbing organic matter from the air through osmosis, so they don’t even take lunch breaks. They are perfect soldiers.

Their first mission is highly classified. The only thing I can disclose at this point is that there will be many more like Tango and Cash. They may be sneaking into a home near you to spy on you mp3 collection, or even take pictures of your sister showering. If you do happen to spot one of these specimens, with their red glowing eyes and signature metallic coating, do not attempt to terminate them. You will only bend your magazine, waist your elbow grease and make them angry. You wouldn’t like to see them when they’re angry. Cash incinerated a cat on Monday because it hissed at him. Oh yea, they have lasers too.